The presidential debates are a chance to drink - that's about it

by Cody Kitaura

Viewers of tonight's second presidential debate might have tuned in expecting the town hall format to provide intimate responses to the questions of everyday citizens. Maybe Senators John McCain and Barack Obama would have shed their thick political facades and answered from the heart instead of dolling out the same talking points their campaigns have fed the media for what seems like an eternity now.

But those viewers would have been wrong. The "town hall" format was as tightly controlled as any other debate, with "average citizens" stumbling over carefully prepared questions and moderator Tom Brokaw trying in vain to hold McCain and Obama to the agreed time limits for responses.

And if realism was what the hosts of tonight’s debate were searching for, they should’ve picked a real town hall to host it in, not a soundstage that looked like a freshly painted ride at Disneyland. The bright blue railings and starkly contrasting red carpet didn’t lend any authenticity to the format.

And once the two candidates fielded the questions, which were almost certainly screened with intense stringency, they often avoided giving a specific answer in favor of citing the same talking points anyone half-following the election has already heard a thousand times.

The Bush administration squandered our budget surpluses.

My opponent has never opposed his party on a single issue.

I’ll use a scalpel, not a hatchet, to fix the budget.

Sigh. Haven’t we heard all of this before? Are the candidates even listening to the questions being asked? Doesn’t that red light mean it’s time to stop talking?

But don’t despair. America is about freedom and ingenuity. The freedom and ingenuity to use insincere debates like tonight’s excuse for a “town hall” meeting for the only thing that really makes sense anymore: drinking.

Clearly, the only original thing that can possibly come out of tonight’s debate is a debate-themed drinking game.

Every time one of the candidates falls back into one of their stereotypical stump speeches, the participants of this game will drink.

Here are some of the most commonly used phrases from tonight’s debate – perfect triggers for alcohol consumption:

“My friends” – McCain’s signature tagline, these two words seemed to pop up at the end of almost every “answer” he gave. Drink up.
The “scalpel” – this metaphor for precise analysis of the country’s budget appears, without fail, in almost every mention Obama makes of our financial woes. Bottoms up.

McCain’s military record – as if we really need another reminder of the years and years McCain spent serving our country, these experiences appears in far too many of McCain’s illustrations and responses. We get it already. Have a sip.

Obama’s mother – sincerely or not, the compelling story of Obama’s mother and her struggle to raise a family alone appears at least once in every appearance. Chug.

Brokaw (or whoever is moderating) reminding the candidates of the strict time limits – not that they’ll listen, anyway. Down the hatch.

These are just a few of the broken-record-style responses the candidates dolled out in large doses at tonight’s debate. Even the most casual observer would likely find many, many more examples. So get creative. Don’t get discouraged if there’s nothing new or informative in the debates – just do what America does best: turn it into a party.

The third presidential debate is Oct. 15 – that should leave plenty of time to stock your liquor cabinets.